Crystal Belwood
Sooooo I just entered a photography competition and can win $10,000 dollars. Please please PLEASE go and click “collect me” so that I can do so and get my work out there! =)
Because you’re worth the miles.
Posted by perfectlyflodd
I will do this. I will do this until there is no more fight left in me. I act fine. I have to, right? I’ve chosen this. It would be unfair for me to complain..so I do my best not to. Please don’t apologize when you talk about missing someone, when you miss them you miss them. I just happen to miss him more often. Not necessarily any more or any less. Just often. That’s what happens when your heart is with someone who is so far away. You’ve taken the vow to miss them and deal with it. Sometimes you cry…okay, a lot of the time you cry. Mostly by yourself because you don’t want the pitty. At least I don’t. I can’t handle it. I know I miss him. I know if I could, I’d throw it all away just to be with him but I can’t. I have to take care of myself. This is in no way a bad thing, it’s just time consuming. What I would do…just to be there. To say hi to his face. To hug him. To see him laugh. To hold his hand, feel his fingers fill the space between mine. Some nights, weeks, or even months are harder than others. There are nights when I just want to curl up in a ball. I hold myself tight as to not fall apart because I know the second I let go, I’ll lose it. I won’t be able to breathe, I’ll keep imagining what it would be like to feel him at that moment. I just want to be held. Not by anyone. By him.
And then there are those times when I do talk about it. Those are the worst. ”It’s got to be hard being that far away from the one you want to be with most.” I wish I could tell you how often I hear this…and how every.single.time. I start blubbering like a mess. Yeah it’s hard. I can’t have it pointed out…I can’t. It almost reminds me how foolish I probably am for thinking I, we can do this. But…I love him. I mess up. I don’t do things I should. I’m not perfect but I can’t picture being without him and until God tells me to stop…which He would have to do with me kicking and screaming, I’ll fight.
Because honestly, he’s more worth it that anything I could ever imagine.
Alone.
Posted by perfectlyflodd
Sometimes I just need to be alone. Honestly, I can’t wait to get my own place some day. I love people, hello I’m a WOO and a public relations major, but I take so much joy in being alone. It’s far too rare when I get this luxury. I never get to just sit.
Oh my goodness do I love to just sit. That is IF I can get myself to do it.
I’m trying to do so now and to be honest, my body is restless and I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something. It is 11:35 on my day off…of course I don’t need to be doing anything. I remember a time when I wanted to be busy all of the time. I wanted to be out somewhere, with someone. That was before I became an adult. Why in the world do we have to be going all of the time? Why must this world be so fast-paced. Holy moly it leaves little time for much else. Even the things that matter most.
God.
Yup, we all knew it was coming and let me tell you. I still don’t feel a whole lot. Unfortunately I haven’t felt close to God for a LONG time. I’ve tried…I really have. The last time I felt Him was over a year ago. I mean, REALLY felt Him. Before that it had been about 2 years. There’s been a lot going on..possibility of my parental figures divorcing, my father having cancer, trying to make a long-distance relationship work, attempting to do well in school, keeping up friendships, going to work…it’s a lot. I fought for a long time. I wanted to be close to God. I still do. But if I were to be completely honest with myself..and you, I’ve kind of stopped trying. — That even breaks my heart.
I decided I know God feels distant at times so that we can pull closer even when things are rough…I got tired. I got tired and angry. With everything that’s been going on in my life why in the WORLD would He make Himself feel distant?? Why now? I didn’t get it…I still don’t. I can’t even cry anymore over it and for those of you who know me, I can cry over anything. So why can’t I cry over the distance I’ve created from my Father? There’s something wrong.
I take pleasure in things that used to disgust me. What happened to me? I am in this world..and I am becoming a part of it. Sickening. I know I need to pull closer. I know I need to pray more. I need to read my Bible. I need to go to church. I need to talk about God more. I need to talk TO God more. I need to give myself to Him rather than to my busy lifestyle. I just haven’t found the motivation to. I don’t think I will, to be honest. It’s one of those things that I will have to force myself into.
I know that once I do, I will be so delighted in Him that things won’t seem nearly as crazy as they do now. I need that so much. I have been so down lately. I have doubted so much in my life. I haven’t found joy. I’ve been mopey, tired, and unmotivated. That’s what happens when you lose your ground.
I’ve been here before and I’ll be here again. It’s been a slow fade for me. Over a process of about 4 1/2 years I’ve lost myself. I know I won’t be back immediately but I’ll get there and I’ll be stronger for it. I just need to make it happen. If you, whoever you are, would pray for me..that’d be cool. God is still working wonders in my life even though I can’t feel it. I know it. Because I do still know Him. Like a best friend, we can part for years…but come back being as close, if not closer, than we’ve ever been. So here’s for trying. I guess this will be my new years resolution. It sounds like a pretty terrific one to me, even if I am a month late.
It doesn’t matter…because Grace exists.
“But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.” - Deuteronomy 4:29
~Perfectlyflawed
What is it about music?
Posted by perfectlyflodd
I mean. Really. Honestly. Truly.
What is it?
Is it the way the melodies fill your soul
or simply the way those funky beats make you want to tap your toes?
I have no idea but boy do I love it.
Here I am, sitting in my bed. Looking for something to keep me occupied for the past hour and a half. Searching through movies, facebooking it up, pinterest, stumble. You name it.
Then I turn my music on. I no longer need to look for something to do. Just flipping a song on allows me to be content. I mean, how cool is that? It’s incredible how music works. How it’s a story told within minutes. Whether it has words or not.
Anyways, just wanted to share how amazed I am by music. This happens occasionally and each time I am even more astonished than the time before.
Thank God for music.
~Perfectlyflawed
I Like Your Flaws
Posted by perfectlyflodd
By 
I like how you mispronounce words sometimes, how you fumble and stammer and stutter looking for the right ones to say and the right ways to say them. I appreciate that you find language challenging, because it is, because everything manmade is challenging. Including man, including you.
When you sleep on your side, I like to map the constellations between your beauty marks freckles pimples, the minuscule mountains that sprinkle your back. I like the tufts of hair you forgot to shave and the way you smell when you haven’t showered in a while; I like the sleep left in your eyes.
I like the way your skin dies in the middle of the night, how you die from embarrassment the next morning; how you writhe in the snake casing you’ve left behind. I like that you think pillow snowflakes carry more weight than pillow talk; that you think my opinion of you is so fickle that it could change overnight. (It’s not.)
I enjoy seeing you insecure, vulnerable. I like to watch red steam light up your cheeks, a spreading mist of shame when you think you’ve done something unacceptable like missing a step on the stairs or not having the perfect answer to something I’ve said. It’s like you honestly don’t know how wonderful you are, it’s like you have no idea.
The burns, the scars, the black and blues on your face body heart, I want to know their stories. I want to know what hurt you, who hurt you, how bad the damage is. I like your hard, ugly toenails and the layer of fat that lines your belly, the soft parts you try to hide. It’s okay to be soft, sometimes.
I appreciate your ability to get inappropriately angry as much as I appreciate your willingness to apologize afterward. I like how your passion manifests unpredictably and uncontrollably, how your feelings cannot be caged or concealed, how you’re incapable of apathy.
I like how you can’t dance, how you have pedestrian taste in music, how the worst song on every album is your favorite. I like how enthusiastic you are when you hear it, it’s like you don’t know how terrible it is, it’s like maybe how you’re able to love someone like me. (Perhaps that’s your biggest flaw, perhaps that’s the one I love most.)
Your flaws single you out, set you apart, make you different from the rest, and thank god. I don’t just put up with settle for accept your blemishes, I like them. I like them because they make you human, and humans are easier to love than photographs and illusions and ideals; humans fit more easily between arms and between legs; humans are welcome to their imperfections because if there’s one thing humans can do perfectly, it’s love. Humans can love, they can do it flawlessly. 
"i swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun" -jack's mannequin
